Am I abused?

I was surprised that of the first page of google hits on "Am I abused" only had a few links which assumed that the abuser is male. TV commercials and programs always seem to assume that men are the aggressers.

I don't know if I am really abused or not. I guess figuring this out is part of why this blog exists. I took an online test at http://www.allthetests.com/quiz22/quizpu.php?testid=1177078936 and it claims that my relationship is "Seriously abusive". But I don't really know.

http://www.nmsvdv.org/AmIAbused.htm has a small questionnaire.

Does your Partner.....

• constantly criticize you and your abilities as a spouse, partner, parent, or employee?

Yes. "How can I trust you, you're too fat". Explicitly over-ruling me in front of my son. Saying that I am too lazy to be trusted. Saying "I TOLD you to leave your company years ago! If you had listened to me we'd be rich by now." "I don't want you to take a different job, I want you to keep making good money at the one you have already. I'm always proud of how much money you earn

• behave in an overprotective manner or become extremely jealous?

YES!! Jealous of EVERY female co-worker I have ever told her about!!! She tells me not to speak to women at work.

• call you names or fight with you in front of friends or family?

Not too much -- but when her temper blows, it blows big! My parents (now divorced) are quite afraid when she loses it in front of them.

• threaten to hurt you, your children, pets, family members,

Umm, not really, She has asked if she can kill our dog a few times -- but I can tell from her voice that she doesn't really mean it.

• friends, or himself/herself?

Herself, yes. Many times. You see, her dad did. Whenever she is in "THAT state of mind" and knows that she is abusing, she takes her father's cue. Usually it is "You would all be much better off if I was dead. You would have new lives. You could actually have a wife who loves you if I were dead. Why can't you just kill me?" But she (we) have been escorted under armed guard for an emergency psychiatric evaluation! I'm sorry, but it is funny; an armed guard for a person who would hurt themselves is just absurd. I imagine them saying "Stop hurting yourself or I'll shoot!" Bizarre.

• prevent you from seeing family or friends?

She doesn't like my friends. "They're too superficial." "They don't understand me." "I don't like his wife, she looked at you." That's ok. Nobody ever invites me out after work anymore anyway.

• suddenly get angry or lose his/her temper?

All the time. Usually there's a trigger -- but not always. This past week has actually been relatively good. She only lost it once!

• destroy personal property?

Not intentionally -- she's not trying to destroy the things she throws.

• deny you access to family assets like bank accounts, credit cards, and cars?

No. Not really.

• control all your finances or withhold money from you?

Umm, hard to say. If I buy something (like a slice of pizza for lunch) and she finds the receipt, I'll get the 3rd degree. It is almost a guaranteed explosion if I buy a $20 item without her pre-approving it. On the other hand, I DO have access to money.

• use intimidation or manipulation to control you or your children?

Emotionally only -- but that's hard to measure objectively. I guess thats another thing this site is intended to discover.

• hit, punch, slap, kick, shove, spit on or bite you?

No spitting. I think that she thinks that the biting is "playful" -- but it hurts. The other things she does, but it doesn't leave any scars or even hurt too much. It hurts me more that she intends to hurt me. I remember once a few years ago, we went to see a movie. It was sold out and she lost it. She had discovered that the skin on the inside of my bicep was thin enough to actually be painful when she pinched and twisted it. This time, she pinched and twisted WITH fingernails. It was really weird. I was wondering HOW I was going to survive the emotional turmoil -- but when her fingernails punctured the skin I suddenly had infinite energy. I felt like I could withstand it forever without saying a word. Nothing mattered. I was a superhero -- other than the blood starting to drip down my arm. We then met some of HER friends who also missed the movie. So there I was, standing there, putting pressure on the hole and acting as if nothing had happened. I don't know if any of them ever knew.

• prevent you from going places?

Not physically -- just by complaining that it is a waste of my time for me to go -- and throwing temper before I go and after I get back.

• force you to have sex?

Now wouldn't THAT be nice. No. Why isn't forcing a person to NOT have sex ever considered abuse. When it was clear that we were only going to have one child -- no more sex. When I had wet dreams, she would lose it (read "hurt himself/herself" above)

• harass you at work?

If my boss knew how much time I spend on Messenger trying to keep her emotionally together, they'd fire me. If I don't answer Messenger, she phones me. It is really awkward at times.


That's enough of me whining for now.