Am I a mysogynist?

Many times in abuse literature, women complain that they "don't feel safe". What does that mean?

There was an episode many, many years ago when, during a tantrum, she (my wife) picked up a large kitchen knife and wildly waved it around screaming something to the effect of "Somebody needs to die tonight" I don't remember the actual quote (and she has not involved physical weapons since then). Was I safe? I don't know. Did I feel "unsafe"? I don't know. I felt ready for a fight. I felt extremely aware of everything that was happening in the room. I felt like the world was moving in slow motion. I kept my left hand behind my back (I'm left handed) and calmly kept my right hand ready to defend myself. I honestly did think that at most she could remove some fingers from my right hand-- but I could disarm her with my left. Remember, I weigh twice as much as she does. I would sacrifice my life for this woman; a few fingers is nothing.

So, does the fact that I am not aware of "feeling unsafe" in this situation means that I was NOT being abused? What do the feelings have to do with it?

Is it true that women are physically weaker and this puts them at more physical danger than men if their spouses are equally out of control? If this is the case, does this not imply that men can bear a larger burden than emotionally equivalent women? I can be "safe" losing fingers -- but a woman in the exact same scenario would not be "safe". If a man can bear a larger burden, then he must bear a larger burden. If a man does bear a larger burden, then is he not, in some sense, "better" than someone who cannot bear as large a burden?

In the past, I put women on a pedestal. I always supported them to have more maternity and parental rights than men. I always agreed with them being able to take time off work to "find themselves". I always supported their rights for self-determination and control. But now... Now I wonder. Are they protected on that pedestal because they need to be? Are they really the weaker sex and need to be cared for? Are they incapable of bearing the same burden that I bear? If women are equal, they would need no special consideration.

This is a change of philosophy for me. I don't know where I fall on this issue anymore. I am more concerned with my day to day survival -- and helping my wife keep her emotions in check.